


Teeth

by whereyoustand



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Drinking & Talking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Men Crying, Other, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-11 09:42:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20544068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whereyoustand/pseuds/whereyoustand
Summary: It's coming up to the three year anniversary of Ashton's suicide attempt. It's also the meeting for the new music video for the new 5 Second Of Summer song, Teeth.However, when the director suggests swallowing a pill, Ashton is thrown back into the past and confides in his bandmates.





	Teeth

**Author's Note:**

> This includes sensitive topics so please read at your own risk. To see those topics, please look at the tags.
> 
> -J :))

They were all discussing the new music video for Teeth. Ashton had been in a rather good mood, despite the upcoming date, and had been excited to see what ideas the director had in store. He had ideas running through his head as soon as they finished the song.

He had met up with Calum that morning to drive to the studio together. They joked lightly and sung along to whatever came on Ashton's playlist. They acted as though they hadn't been hanging out together since the month started. Ashton believed all moments with Calum felt fresh and new, he had that kind of aura.

"Do you know what they're thinking about?" Ashton asked, turning down the music. When Calum looked at him blankly, Ashton added, "For the music video?"

"Um, I know they have a few ideas and that they are weird." Calum paused and stared at his friend. "You remember, if you feel uncomfortable at all, you-"

"I know, I know. I'll tell you." Ashton sighed, his grip on his steering wheel tightened. He tried to focus on anything else. The street, the quiet music playing in the background, the car honking too loudly a street away.

"I'm sorry, mate. But with the upcoming anniversary, I know how you get." Calum stated, playing with the ring on his middle finger. It was a nervous habit he picked up. He didn't like it due to the idea that it wore out the ring. He preferred it over the previous pulling out a cigarette and smoking away his anxiety.

"Yeah, I know." Ashton sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "It feels like you baby me when it gets to this time of year. It's been almost three years! I've not done anything since, have I?" Ashton snapped, rolling his eyes.

"Doesn't make me any less worried, Ash," Calum said, softly. "You almost left us! I don't think you realize how scary it was for us." Calum closed his eyes to block out the dreadful memory.

Ashton scolded himself for the tears in his eyes. "I didn't mean to-"

"No! You don't need to apologize, okay?" Calum placed a hand on Ashton's knee. Ashton glanced down at the hand and blushed before looking back at the road.

Calum removed his hand and continued. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." He said sincerely.

"You were there for me," Ashton argued, ignoring how suddenly cold his hand got after Calum removed his hand.

"Not enough for you to tell me what was going on in your head," Calum stated, his voice soft.

"Don't," Ashton said. "Don't be like that. You're here now. That's what matters." Calum nodded and looked down at his ring.

"Have you seen the new Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode yet?" Calum asked instead with a small smile. He didn't want to upset Ashton any further, he couldn't stand that.

  
"So we thought one of you could have a VR-like headset on, maybe Luke. One of you could have a ventilator on, maybe Calum. One of you have an injection, we were thinking Michael. And then perhaps Ashton could swallow a pill." The director suggested and paused waiting for the other men's input.

Ashton felt all air leave his body. He couldn't do that again. No pills. No pills. No pill- He felt Calum grip his hand as Calum realized what had been said.

"I think these ideas are cool but maybe we should try swapping them around a bit? Maybe get rid of the pill?" Luke added, glancing at the oldest band member. "I don't want to trigger the fans or anything."

Ashton's grip tightened on his thighs, trying to ground himself on anything.

It was like he was twenty-two again, desperate for an escape in his world full of tragedy.

Michael got out the pen that hid in his jacket pocket and passed it to Ashton. Michael opened up his hand and Ashton shakily uncapped the pen and started to draw on Michael's palm. This was a technique that Michael had taught Ashton in case he got anxious and wanted to be distracted. It mostly worked but sometimes, like that moment, Ashton was far too anxious for it to work.

"May you give me a minute?" Ashton asked and quickly pushed his chair from the table and stood up before speed walking out of the room. He wiped the sweat from his face as he tried to navigate the, thankfully, empty halls to get to the car park. Once Ashton pushed the heavy doors open, he felt his knees buckle beneath him. His hands scraped along with the concrete as he hit the concrete, heavy breaths forcing air in and out of his lungs. His vision blurs as vomit rises in his throat. He dry heaves when a hand touches his back, giving a slow, soothing touch.

"You're okay," Calum whispered, stroking Ashton's back. "You're here with me right now, see. It's just me and you in the parking lot. And you are alive and breathing."

"Doesn't feel like it." Ashton rasped. "Can't breathe."

"You can," Calum reassured. "Just sit up and follow my breathing." Ashton does as he is told and leaned up against the wall. Calum sat next to him and whispered, "Is it okay if I touch you?"

Ashton nodded and Calum grabbed Ashton's hand and placed it on his chest.

"Follow the way my chest is moving," Calum instructed. Ashton nodded weakly and tried to follow the way Calum's chest was moving. Calum made sure to speed up his breathing so Ashton could follow and gradually slow it down.

Ashton eventually calmed down but he still can't help but vomit a little.

"Sorry." He apologised to Calum, who grimaced but smiled

"It's alright, mate. It happens to the best of us." Calum shrugged. Ashton sighed and rested his head on Calum's shoulder. "Do you want to go home?" Calum questioned, ignoring the warm feeling in his chest as Ashton rested on him.

Ashton nodded and felt his eyes go droopy. "Can we go to the billboard?" Ashton asked. Calum felt his heart melt. Ashton sounded so vulnerable and weak.

"If you can stay awake long enough for me to get there!" Calum joked before rising to his feet and offering a hand to help Ashton up. Ashton gratefully took it and they walked to Ashton's car.

"Give me one second, okay?" Calum smiled as he ran back into the building. He ran to the previous office and looked at the three other people. "Ashton isn't feeling well. I'm taking him home."  
"Oh no." The director frowned. "Give him my best wishes."

Calum nodded and looked at his two bandmates who had worried looks on their faces.

"Is he alright?" Luke asked as Michael looked at his ink-covered palm.

"I'll tell you later. But he should be." Calum answered.

"We'll be round to see him after the meeting." Michael subtly motioned to his palm as he spoke. His palm was still red from how hard Ashton was pressing. Calum grimaced and nodded.

"I'll see you guys later." Calum waved and walked out of the room and to the parking lot to see Ashton scrolling on his phone.

Ashton loved the billboard. It was accessible and always free of people. He found it when he first moved to LA. It was soothing, to be so high up and see a lot of the city whilst being completely alone. Ashton had taken Calum up there when had been upset- Calum didn't trust him alone.

"Don't leave me." Calum had whispered as they watched the sunset.

"Don't leave me either." Ashton had replied. He couldn't promise because, only a few weeks later, Calum had been called into the hospital to be informed that Ashton had swallowed a lot of pills and tried to take his own life.

Calum pulled up as they reached the billboard. He looked over at Ashton who was undoing his seatbelt.

"Good to know you're still awake." Calum joked, a soft smile on his face as he got out of the car.

"Good to know you're not a shit driver," Ashton mumbled, sending a sarcastic smile to Calum as the walked to the staircase.

As they slowly wandered up the unstable steps, Ashton could feel his emotions weigh in. He felt tears form in his eyes as he's knees gave way on the stairs. He let out a harsh sob and punched a stair. Calum looked behind him and made his way down the staircase and sat down.

"Ash?" Calum exclaimed. "You're okay. What's going on?"

Ash let out a few more sobs as Calum engulfed him in a hug. Calum hummed as he rocked the older man back and forth.

"I almost died, Cal!" Ashton cried.

Calum remained quiet, letting out a small, "I know."

"Why didn't I?" Ashton whispered. "What purpose do I have in this life?" Ashton scratched at his arms.

"Your purpose is to be the person you are now. The kind, funny, talented person. You save people, Ash." Calum honestly said. "You're my best friend. I can't live without you."

Ashton looked up at his friend and sighed. “You shouldn’t rely on me to live.”

  
Ashton looked up at his friend and sighed. “You shouldn’t rely on me to live. It's not fair."

"Promise," Calum whispered. "You'll never leave me."

"That's impossible-"

"Do you promise?" Calum interrupted.

"I-" Ashton tried desperately to find reasons not to. "I promise." There was a loud silence as the two sat for a few minutes. "Promise to never leave me." Ashton then muttered.

"Of course I won't," Calum promised. "I promise."

They sat like that for half an hour, until Calum started moving. "Let's get you home." He helped Ashton up and they walked to Ashton's car.

They arrived at Ashton's home and were immediately greeted by Luke and Michael who had worried looks on their faces.

"Ash, you alright?" Luke asked. Ashton nodded weakly and looked towards Michael who had a knowing look on his face.

"I'll take you up to bed," Michael muttered and grabbed Ashton by the arm and walked him up the stairs.

As soon as Michael opened the door to Ashton's bedroom, Ashton threw himself on the bed.

“I hate myself, Mike,” Ashton whispered, hugging his pillow.

“I don’t think you hate yourself. I don’t think you love yourself either. I think we need to do more things that will break that sadness you hold to your past self. You need to be more positive to yourself.” Michael tried to explain.

“Maybe I should just leave the band and move to a different country.” Ashton groaned

Michael sat next to Ashton and stroked his back supportively. “I get that you’re upset but distancing yourself will make it harder. You are a kind, funny, beautiful, and strong person-“

“Am I strong?” Ashton exclaimed, jumping up. “I’ve had a lot of breakdowns today, I think the least I deserve is to be called ‘strong’!”

Michael pulled out his phone and opened up Twitter. He typed some words and turned to show Ashton his phone. Ashton took his phone and looked at the screen.

Across the screen was tweets from a fan account called @/ReasonsWhyWeLuvAI. Ashton started to scroll through the tweets.

_‘642 Ashton is an amazing singer! I don’t think he realises how good he is!!!1!’_   
_‘629 Ash is so supportive of his friends. Like he’s constantly hyping them up in the tour videos. Why is no one talking about it?’_   
_‘608 Ashton is so strong. Like, he has been through a lot of shit that we know of, and he’s still the smiley person I know today. Stan.’_   
_‘600 Ash saved my life. He’ll never know it but I hope he has some form of knowledge of how much he does for the people struggling with mental health.’_

Ashton choked up a bit as he turned to his friend.

“Are these real?” He asked, blushing slightly at the compliments.

Michael nodded. “Our fans are smart Ash. They know what kind of person you are even though you don’t show it. I can promise you that they will stand by you, no matter what.”

Ashton looked down and sighed. “I think I might go see a therapist.”

“I think that’ll be very beneficial,” Michael said sincerely. “You need to get a neutral point of view. The guys and I are your friends and can help with most things but not everything. We wish we could but we aren’t professionals.”

Ashton was speechless. He felt so loved at that moment and didn’t know how to react.

“I’m going to bed,” Ashton muttered.

Michael nodded and smiled softly. “Goodnight mate.”

\------

Ashton sat opposite Lucy, fiddling with his fingers as she stared intently at him.

"Ashton, this won't work unless you're honest." She stated, crossing her legs. "You said that this week wasn't great. Why's that?"

Ashton sighed sourly. "It's probably me being overdramatic again."

  
"Ashton. We talked about this." Lucy said sternly. "You're being harsh on yourself. And your troubles are never overdramatic."

"I had a panic attack," Ashton grumbled, wiping a hand over his face. "The shoot hadn't even started!"

  
"Why did you have a panic attack?" Lucy asked.

"Because Calum had to put that stupid thing in his mouth! It looked real. I thought he was gonna die!" Ashton cried, laughing sarcastically. "How dumb is that? It wasn't even a real p- thing!"

"Ashton, don't be scared of the word, remember?" Ashton refused to say the word, 'pill'. It scared him massively. He'd get flashbacks whenever he thought or talked about it. Lucy had said it was something about 'post attempt PTSD'. He had shrugged her off. 

"How can I not be scared of it when every time I think about or speak about it? I can't even talk to my friends because it was traumatic enough for them!" Ashton exclaimed.

Lucy's eyes squinted as she looked over Ashton a few times.

"You feel lonely." She concluded, confidently. 

"I am not lonely!" Ashton scoffed, crossing his arms.

"Ashton, you desire affection from your friends and you aren't getting it. You need to remember to put your needs first before anyone else's." Lucy said. "You are just as valid and deserving as your friends. It was as traumatic, or even more traumatic, for you. You went through it together, perhaps that's where you start when bonding with your friends." The more she talked, the more Ashton believed her.

\-----

The bandmates all sat around a table at Ashton's home, a drink in their hand as they spoke about everything and nothing. Ashton was contributing to the conversation, too busy searching through his mind.

"Ash, you with us, buddy?" Luke asked, tapping Ashton's cheek playfully.

"I feel very lonely at the moment." Ashton looked up at his bandmates who had concern written over their faces. "I was just wondering if I could hang out with you guys a bit more, or stay at your houses or something?" When the other bandmates remained silent, Ashton spoke up again. "Or not, sorry it was a dumb suggestion!"

"Of course you can stay with us, Ash." Michael smiled. "Crystal loves to have you around. I love to have you around." Ashton took a nervous swig of his beer.

"Feel free to come and stay with me and Sierra." Luke offered and patted Ashton's shoulder.

"You can stay with me. Sorry, we didn't say anything sooner." Calum said. "This is the most you've opened up to us in over three years. I'm really proud of you."

"Thank you." Ashton smiled.

Ashton allowed the words, 'I'm really proud of you', to echo around his head. He deserved that happiness. He was learning that as he went along.

He was going to be okay.


End file.
